Listen

Girl #1: She is like, mad flat.
Girl #2: I know, right?
Girl #1: So I hear that she wears two pairs of pants to make her butt look bigger!

Grrl #1: Aren’t vegetarian hot dogs just as sketchy as normal hot dogs
Grrl #2: Maybe, but I would rather eat the stamen of a sketchy plant than the anus of a sketchy pig.

Boy #1: Do you want to split a bun?
Boy #2: No! I’m not gay!
Boy #1: “Split a bun” means a fucking hamburger, you asshole!

Fashionista #1: I lost my virginity on a cruise.
Fashionista #2: Have you ever been on a cruise?
Fashionista #1: By “cruise” I mean “Russia”.

Middle-aged woman #1: Yeah, my cleaning woman is the greatest! Last time, she color-matched and coordinated all of my lipsticks and arranged them in a row for me!
Middle-aged woman #2: Oh my god! I’d swoon!

Girl #1: She always has this miserable look about her.
Girl #2: Dude, that’s just her face.
Girl #1: Ew.

Hobo: I’m homeless! I’m battling child abuse! The Jews and the Irish are spreading lies about me!

Guy: I’ll have a Mahatma grande.