Guy: Yo, that Hamburgler’s a scary motherfucker, ’cause you never know what that nigga be sayin’. He be all “robble robble robble robble” and shit!

Girl: Oh my god, what is that smell?
Boy: Yeah, what is that?
Hobo : It’s my big fat cock!

Black woman: Take that bag off your back.
White man: All it takes are two words: “excuse” and “me”.
Black woman: I’m not saying nothing to you.
White man: Sorry, I see that you only use your mouth for one thing, and that’s sucking dick.
Black woman: You are so rude. Take that back.
White man: Okay, I am sorry. I take it back. You also use your mouth for eating, as seen by the size of your enormous ass.

Girl #1: I’d offer to set you up with him, but you’re already occupied.
Girl #2: I am not occupied.
Girl #1: Please! You’re so occupied, you’re the Gaza Strip.
Girl #2: Don’t you watch the news?

Girl #1: Wow, your eyes look totally awesome. Is that from the pot?
Girl #2: Yeah, I think so.
Girl #1: It’s so cool. They look amazingly green.

NYU girl: So my friend had a class with Mary-Kate–
NYU boy: Uh huh.
NYU girl: –and they were all going around saying what their favorite books were. But when it got to Mary-Kate, she just said, “Well, my favorite candy is a Tootsie Roll.”

Chick on cell: I called her Tina because you guys always call her Tina…Well, how was I supposed to know it was some kind of secret bitch code for “skanky ho”?

Queer: You are all a bunch of crackers…What are you laughing at, Jew? We have a cracker and a Jew, it’s like a Lunchable.

Black woman on cell: Listen nigga, I want my money. And don’t just be giving it to me in drips and drabs…I want a lump sum, motherfucker. A luuuuump sum!

Queer: I haven’t pooped in two days and I work at The Gap.

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I’m the embodiment of crack right now. I’m still drunk from last night. And wow, I just got a bad look from two Mexicans and we know that never happens. Oh my god, another bad Mexican look. What the fuck is happening? Oh my god, a cat…Shut up, oh my god, the world is conspiring against me. As soon as I said “cat” a kid came around the corner. What’s next, a demon? Cats, kids, demons.

Guy: Can you feel the love tonight? If so, come over here and make this program and Simba doll a part of your Circle of Life. And this…this isn’t just a regular Simba doll; this one comes with stickers. I bet you Just Can’t Wait to be King…of stickers. I have never been more excited…in my entire life.