Drunk guy to entire restaurant: Everyone I want to make a toast, raise your fucking glasses.
Alright — My girlfriend had an abortion, we are not having a baby!

Girl #1: I can’t believe you’re about to get your culo waxed.
Girl #2: I can’t believe you didn’t get your culo waxed!
Girl #1: You know I have an asshole phobia, for Christ’s sake!

Hobo lady: I been pussy fucked; I been ass fucked; I been titty fucked–and that was fun–but there ain’t no love like the love of Jesus.

oh yeah and p.s. you can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk.
that pretty much sums me up by right now

Woman on cell: My boobs aren’t ready for this cold weather. They’re still too new.