10. I will not eat shark, at least in any form other than soup

9. I will cut my hair at least once during 2007

8. I will remember to eat at least once each day, unless I’m fasting, in which case I’ll remember not to eat

7. I will quack like a duck at least once each day (only applies to those days where I wake up as a duck)

6. If I see another UFO or am abducted, I will keep it to myself instead of being ridiculed again on national TV

5. If a dog bites me, I will not bite it back unless it is smaller than me and has short hair that will not get caught in my teeth

4. If I ever receive it, I will trade in the AK-47 I was offered by an Afghani vigilante via e-mail for a Blendtec blender (or a Jack Lalanne juicer, whichever the local pawn shop has in-stock at the time)

3. I will not use any words I don’t understand to sound smart unless they are from dead languages (or French) where nobody could possibly be offended by my blatant misuse

2. I will not eat pumpkin pie with whipped cream while taking a shower … if the craving persists, I’ll take two showers and eat each separately

1. If I see a monkey for sale, I will not buy it. Even if it is really really affordable and offers to pay his own way when hitting the local hot spots

This restaurant had windows overlooking the outdoor terrace of the hotel pool. But the windows were one-way glass. A pair of gorgeous, sunbathing European women by the pool did not realize this, and they began admiring themselves in what they thought were harmless mirror. This came as a delight to the American businessman sitting at a table next to the windows. The women came toward the glass until they were no more than 2 feet away from his widening eyes. As the gals leaned in toward him and peeled their bikini tops back from their cleavage to check for tan lines, the man literally choked on his glass of water and performed a perfect spit take. It was like a Benny Hill episode come to life. And it was hilarious to everyone in the restaurant who saw it … save for the nearby pair of Muslim women covered in black from scalps to shoe tops. OK, it was a tad awkward, but it was still no big deal—and that’s the idea.
My next vacation I will be staying here.